Contemplating the Blues

I don't know, maybe it is the time shift. I drive in to work in the dark and go home at night in the dark. I barely see the sunlight at all during the week and the weekends haven't been that great. Or maybe I just haven't noticed. I haven't been to the woods in so long. I used to stop on the way to see my kids before the time shift, but now it is dark and they close the gates at sunset.
I was noting during my prayers this morning that I was just saying them by rote. It was like my heart was not in it. I drove on, noting all the other cars on the road, the dreariness of the morning with icy rain coming down. What has changed? Nothing. We still go on and on growing  more disconnected as the days pass. Time just seems to keep accelerating. I took my son to Monster Golf this weekend. It was like we drove twenty minutes, played five minutes of golf, and then drove home. I know it took longer to play, but it seemed it was not long enough. Time just keeps flying by. Where did the weekend go?
I did manage to make some time to start creating the e-book I had promised some of you. I have compiled all the Year of Unity and Reconnecting writings into one document. I added some other writings at the end. I went through and edited them as many had spelling errors. I don't know how many times I put two l's in traveling. I have to remember to compose my writings on one of the sites that has spell check.
While I was going through and formatting and editing my writings, I took some time now and then to reread some of the things I wrote. This got me to thinking about what affect these writings have had, if any. I have received many positive comments about my writings. Sometimes I even got some clarifications from things that I might not have had right. I am not perfect and while I feel that most of what I wrote was inspired either by a sign, a message, or during my prayers, I am still human. In being such, I will reflect some of my own feelings into my writings. Of course, that could also be the intent of the spirits that have guided me in the writings.
As I drove in, I prayed as I usually do. I find that since I have an hour or more commute, it is a great opportunity to take the time to pray. I leave the radio off and open my heart and pray. Sometimes, the prayers are full of joy. Nothing can inspire you more than seeing the orange and reds of the sunrise over Turnpike Lake as you are driving by. Other times, like today, it is overcast, rainy, dreary and at this time, contemplative. I was thinking of the things that I have written and shared online. I felt myself saying the words to the prayers but my mind wandering, looking out over the sea of cars on 128. I was saying the prayers, but they weren't coming from my heart. I apologized to the spirits. I continued on with my prayers. As I finished I looked back towards the east. I gave thanks to all the spirits for helping me on my path and closed the circle. I was told to not give up hope. I was told to write my feelings out and post them. I was told that I would receive responses that will show that there is hope. And so I write.
Continuing on, I just couldn't see how anything I say or do would change anything. Here we all were driving along at a snail's pace, caught up in this make believe world that kept us so busy that we no longer had time to smell the roses. The cynical side of me said, that is why we are tearing them all up to put in another Lowes or Target. Maybe there is an edge of truth there. Maybe we have been so caught up in this pattern that we believe is living, that we have totally become disconnected. This disconnection makes us forget our relatedness to all that is around us. This allows us to blindly accept the destruction of a dozen or so acres to put up a Lowes, and then another dozen more for a new Target, Stop and Shop, Walmart. Soon hundreds of acres are lost forever. We won't even get going on the proposal to destroy hundreds of acres of woodland by the Mashpee. Hundreds of acres felled just to claim the largest casino in the world. I have all ready spoken of this so we won't revisit it. I am all ready in a bad mood. Well maybe not bad, more sad, but I don't need to exascerbate it. It is that I just don't see anything changing. Or rather, if it is, it is in the wrong way.
I guess we all need to feel that we have meaning. I know I have meaning to my wife and my kids, but do I have meaning to the world?