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March 2009 
I'm back
WhiteWolf
I left out of here over the weekend with grand visions of what I was to encounter. As usual Spirit had other ideas. I got set up on the first day and then went for a long walk in the woods. It felt good to be back in the woods with no pressure, no cell phones or pagers. No one needing me to do anything but be one with the place I was in. It felt good. Often I stopped along the trail to marvel at the lady slippers or curiously, the frogs. Frogs were everywhere. Big giant bull frogs by the ponds, little tiny frogs off the beaten paths. I don't always like to stay on the trail as you miss a lot. Not many other creatures, one chipmunk and a few birds, but frogs.....
Spiritually, it was a challenge as it appeared that the weekend I chose must have been some trail bikers outing. Motorcycles were everywhere, their loud buzz drowning out the sounds of the wood. Why then was I lead to this place? If it wasn't the motorcycles, it was the mountain bikes. People yelling to each other. The place was a cacaphony of human presence. It was really bringing me down as I came to become part of the wood.
Anyway, round about 8:30pm, it finally started to get quiet except for the stray biker who was trying to make it out before darkness fully engulfed the wood. Then quiet, the sound of birds, the brook that ran below my place. The darkness started to penetrate and the anxiety within started to rise. What the hell was I doing here? Who did I think I was to come out in the woods alone? Panic started to set in. That flight syndrome started to kick in, thoughts flashing of how I could make it back to the trail and make my way back before the whole of darknesss descended. I would just leave my stuff and come back in daylight. No! I was here for purpose, for reason. I had agreed to come here with the Creator back in December. I had to get over my fear, so I wrote it down. I took that fear and put it to the pen and to the paper and removed it from me. Then I prayed. I prayed to all my relations, guides, and the Creator for strength to make it through the night. To get over my fear of the darkness and being alone.
As I watched the light slowly fade, so did my fear. Soon, there was nothingness. The night of a new moon. Darkness. The only sounds, the brook, the birds, and an occasional pine cone or twig falling from the tree. Then a great wind kicked up. It turned cold quickly. The day had been in the eighties, but now it was closing in on fifty and in a hurry. I had a wool cape that I had brought that brought some relief, but not enough. It was getting into my bones. That was bad news. As the night wore on, the pain got worse. The arthritis in my lower back and hips was flaring up and it caused a numbness in my legs. It was a fitful night. I tried to sleep, but any position was a bad position. As dawn started to break around 4am, I got up and tried walking a bit. I said my morning prayers and tried to go for a walk down to the waterfalls. It was nice and quiet, but tough walking as the Forest Service throws rocks on the road, especially in the uphill areas to keep the bikers from tearing up the roads.
I got to the waterfalls and sat and thought. It didn't make sense for me to continue on as the pain was getting worse. The numbness in my legs wasn't a good sign either. Part of me was saying to tough it out, be a warrior. The common sense side of me said there will be other times, it won't do if I inflame it so badly that it causes permanent damage. I felt a failure as I packed my stuff and headed out. Fortunately, I had brought my cell in case of an emergency, so I turned it on and called my wife to come and fetch me. There was no way I would be able to walk the ten miles home. I was in pain and dejected.
I spoke about this to my wife on the way home. She said I should be proud of myself for facing my fears. She said how she would never have been able to go into the woods alone at night, let alone stay there all night. She said that maybe that was the lesson I was truly meant to learn; To face my fears.
While, my idea of what I set out to do failed. Maybe this was Spirits intent all along. To show me how to face my fears. What is that old saying, "how do you make God laugh: Tell him your plans".
Let us see what the future holds. And if I am asked to do this again. I will go again as I no longer fear the darkness.
Access: Public
Glad to have you back WhiteWolf. I caution you against speaking much of your experience. Back in old times the Crying For a Vision was not spoken of as far as I know. Here is a good quote from Paul Devereux:
“In recent years, non-traditional forms of vision-questing have become quite popular in self-development circles. Experts take people out into remote places and show them how to experience contact with the wilderness and the recesses of their minds as one interlinked activity. One proponent of this movement is Steven Foster. In his 1992 book Vision Quest, written with Meredith Little, he describes his own early experiences in the desert. He recalls “the awesome trumpet sound of the loneliness of the wilderness - the sound of silence” and learned that nature would speak to him only when he silenced his inner dialogue. He saw “many powerful teachings” when his eyes were not governed by his preconceptions. When he came back from this initial wilderness experience he felt profoundly different, and had made the critical realisation that the outer and inner journeys of the vision quest are deeply and mysteriously interactive. Foster asserts that in a vision quest the wilderness invades the body; it lets the quester's noise finally run down and disperse, and his or her field of view enlarges both physically and metaphorically as time and space dilate beyond the pale of civilisation. In these conditions dreams can occur while the quester's eyes are open.”
Blessings & love
CalmEagle
p.s. Lest I seem a complete hypocrite, you must remember my quest was 40+ years ago, by now I can speak of it…. grins….
CalmEagle
Well, being as a quest, it was a failure in that I didn't really have quiet to become one with the wood because of all the motorcycles. By the time dusk came around it started getting cold and into my bones. I don't feel bad though. I did learn a valuable lesson in overcoming fears. Once I did that, I had only the pain to deal with.
Why did your fear fade? You found that connection, even in the chaos of what was supposed to be the sanctuary. Sometime later, in chaos, fear and pain, you will recall that the connection is always within you. What greater success can there be?
My computer hasn't let me post a thing here in ages - it must be the antique dial-up service in the countryside. Congratulations, White Wolf!
Thank you. Indeed, in retrospect, it wasn't as much a failure as I thought. As you said, even with the chaos, I could shut out that which is around me and feel the connection and it brought comfort. A great lesson learned.
Ho Brother, At least you tried. A helpful remedy for athritis: a spoon of ORGANIC apple cider vinegar, mixed with a spoon of honey, in a FULL glass of water taken regularly…..bye-bye athritis. And I find that a man is far abler to succeed in a Quest, be it fasting or vision seeking, if he tells no-one beforehand. Silence is golden. : )
peace, my friend.
Thank you for the arhritis isights, I might give it a try since it has not stopped raining here for weeks. It is really into my bones. I will tell no one, of course, except my wife. I spoke about it earlier because I had no idea what I was about, just that I was doing this.
I have thought often of this vision quest. I have thought about doing it again, but in a different area of the wood, but to be frank, every time I go out there I find no solitude as the woods are filled with hikers, bikers (both motor and mountain), so finding a place of solitude where one would be undisturbed is difficult.
One thing did come to me. I didn't really think about it at the time, but in retrospect I am noting it. Though it was the night of a new moon, the woods were not dark. I could see clearly even at 3am in the morning every detail of the woods. I could have gone for a hike in the middle of the night and not gotten lost. Curious that. I may have to try again and pay special attention.